It’s been one of those nights again where over thinking somehow makes me move my ass up and start typing away. I’ve always been using writing as some form of therapy – I can lash out, or try to attempt to write a good review on the latest movie I’ve seen. Although I have to admit, I was never excellent in the craft that I felt almost guilty receiving an award for it when I was in high school. I simply enjoy writing but also fear that for someone who took up Creative Writing in high school, I hadn’t been really excelling in the field or have put my practice into use. I’m terrified whenever I send in entries to my school’s literary folio dreading about the shit comments they would say about a poetry I wrote masking the first time I had sex into a day at the beach.
For a few weeks now, I’ve been constantly torn between which path I want to take after college – which job I want, which country I want to live in, which degree I’d pursue. It’s becoming too overwhelming where I somehow choke on my sentences and my thoughts. The other day I was having an adult-ish conversation with a friend about careers, that day I was so sure of what was my game plan. Today, I had repeated those thoughts and recalled bits of that conversation to two other friends. Tonight, here I am, thinking if I’m sure… thinking about a job when I haven’t even finished college yet. As I fluff my pillow-slash-back-support I feel like vomiting at the fact that I’m going to become a real adult as soon as March 2018 comes. I feel like crying but at the same time relieved? I don’t want to leave school not knowing fully what I want to make a living out of. When I was around 5 years old, when asked “what do you want to be when you grow up?” I’d simply reply with “CPA Lawyer”, look at me now, 15 years later, taking a double degree major in Communications and in Marketing – too far from that dream I built up all the hours I spent studying to be in the honor roll for. Now I’m even more confused and sad about my last year in school. It’s like having my own Jiminy Cricket whispering Maybe I was being a hypocrite talking to that same friend about this path I’ve got my sights set on currently but maybe I’d be changing my mind again in a couple of weeks, months, days even… Who knows?
And it doesn’t stop there, I feel like I was back into my 18-year old self, getting hypnotized with peer pressure, drinking almost 2-3 times a month, spending my youth reckless and stupid – knowing the consequences, yet I still do it. Like my secret affair with Marlboro Ice Blast for example, I know it can cause at least 3 types of cancer, impotence, stroke, hyphema and several lung complications but I still find such comfort in a vice it makes me not want to stop. Actually, re-reading this paragraph again makes me laugh at the fact I kept justifying my reasons for smoking.
And so it continues… It seems like with everything happening recently, I have lost touch with myself that I don’t even know my favorite song genre is. My beliefs from when I was 18 – just two months ago – is way different from the way my soon-to-be-21-year-old brain thinks. Self-assessing myself, I felt that all this emotional baggage has been affecting my mental state. With simple tasks like troubleshooting, or even basic comprehension I’ve been having a hard time to cope up. Yes, I sometimes have a hard time understanding even the simplest conversations. I felt like I have cheated my way to finishing college, that deep down, I still am a high school freshman. This is the first time I’m talking about this but I think this will help me a lot – I don’t know how, but I felt like a heavy load has been carried away from me.
It was during one of my drunken nights when I clearly heard a friend told me “for someone who is part of a school publication, you sure sound dumb.” I almost sobered up and although I didn’t mind the comment, it was recurring to me that I could be really stupid most of the time and that scares me. I know I could do something about it but it’s either laziness or insensitivity that has been taking over my sad-excuse of a mind. Another time it was a professor who asked me point-blank why do I have a hard time understanding instructions, and it’s not one of those “Write T for True or F for False” statements but several operations that require not a rocket scientist nor a Summa Cum Laude to understand. For god’s sake it was a task to change some parts of our thesis paper. Those two memories and pretty much vivid – and I feel even more stupid thinking about it.
Honestly speaking, I fear talking about my flaws – my mental health, my weight, my position, my smarts – this makes me even more anxious and self-conscious. I don’t like the fact that stress and fear has been affecting the way I think – the way I accept and do tasks, the way I act. I don’t know if I still have creative juices, I don’t know if I am good enough to be leader, if I’m smart enough or serious enough to earn respect from my colleagues. Again, I admit I’ve been putting a lot on my plate and although I know I couldn’t finish it all, I keep adding more. This is mental gluttony. And I am going to explode anytime soon.
I have been hearing a lot of people who do not need college to find themselves. I’ve read and watched success stories where people haven’t found happiness in a four-year degree program but still managed to be contented and at the same time successful and happy. This post is not about me thinking of quitting college because I’m really close to the finish line and I don’t want to walk away from something knowing I’m too close, but at the same time, this is me writing about feeling lost and thinking “What if I never even took up a college course or took up something instead?” This is me talking about how I’m still sensitive to criticism and harsh love, this is me admitting that I have a hard time comprehending, this is me talking about how serious I am but also still so confused that I don’t even know how to go along with this blog post.
Again, it’s been an hour and I just have juiced around 900 words out of my head. This is progress – I think. Not too bad, self. So cheers if you, too, are lost and if you’re the one who found your way out of this tricky mazy, please send me tips.